About getting older... and younger

Its strange that I feel that I was older, much older some ten years back. Because at that time, I was the ‘oldest one’, my kids were tiny and would listen to me. I was free to admonish them, shout, scream, and I would be obeyed. I felt I was an authority figure, their mother after all. They would look up at me, literally and figuratively, with wonder and respect in their eyes. I would hold their tiny hands and steer them in the right direction. They would throw their arms around my knees and rub their grubby faces on my legs while I would stroke their curly hair. They would ask me for permission to do this or that and would really fear the consequences if they would do something naughty.

Now as a mother of teens, I feel that I have grown younger and even smaller. They are both taller than me, so they tower over me. They look down at me while talking, and smile indulgently. They have realized that my act was just that. An act. I was not wiser than them. I just seemed so because I was taller and steadier, while they were little and unsteady on their feet.   Sometimes they pull my cheeks and laugh in unison. They treat me like a pet, or maybe a little sister. They have stopped calling me ‘Mamma’. Instead they call me ‘Chhugli’, a pet name which was given to me by my sister when I was a baby. When I express my worries or concern, they laugh and tell me not to worry, the can take care of themselves. When I lose my temper and scream at them, they burst into helpless giggles, till I compose myself and get my act together. 

But sometimes, they can’t. Take care of themselves. At such moments, they realize that they are in trouble and they need me to work out this cloud of confusion, or just to bail them out. I see that old, childish look in their eyes again as they seek me out and sometimes, ask, beg or even demand to be bailed out, asap. And then I am their mom again, the wise old owl. But those moments are rare. We go back to them being wiser and me being the ‘little one’ again.

I often wondered about this strange phenomenon that has occurred in the last few years. Then I found this line in a blog and it touched a chord.

 ‘I preferred to think that she, too, was a kid, passing undetected through the land of adults." 

Yes ! This is exactly how Alma and Sitab think of me. They feel that I am a child, just like them, maybe even younger. They refuse to believe that I belong to another world, another generation. And that touches me more than anything could.

I know this is just a twilight zone. This too will pass. I know that time will not stand still, but sometimes I cant help hoping that maybe, just for a moment, it will...