Me at the beginning of 2010 and the end of it are two different people.
Serenity is something I have always hunted down the heaven and hell for, and has been always elusive. Yes, I can safely say that I have found peace and serenity at the point of my life.
2008 and 2009 were in experimental mode. There was a lot of lets try this, and lets try that going on. There was no fear of unknown – in fact, my curiosity was getting the better of me. And I let it, simply because I don’t want to die with any regrets. I want to see it all, do it all. I met a lot of new people, made a lot of friends. I indulged in a lot of escapism, a lot of glossing over.
Mid 2009 was the time when I started losing patience with myself. I wanted to ditch the curious little child inside me – I was tired of superficiality that was ruling my life, my thoughts, my mind. I barely recognized myself. So I retreated into myself. And just let time pass.
For some time I was worried – would I be happy to be in just my company ?
Constant socializing is like a drug, when withdrawn can lead to serious side effects. It was not really easy in the beginning. I felt like rushing back into my fool’s paradise very often. I would often find myself lonely and hurting.
But I decided to stick it out. I stared at the mirror which had become foggy over time and waited for the fog to disperse. I stood there for long - very slowly, very gradually, the mirror cleared up and an image began to form. It was mine ! I found myself.
I looked at myself and said ‘Hey stranger, where have you been ? Been missing you.” Oh what a relief it was ! No longer forcing myself to fit into roles and shapes which were made by others. I could just be me ! And still love myself. My self worth was not the result of approving nods of people around me, it was mine and mine alone.
I felt powerful. Power is also like a drug. I let it course down my veins and revelled in its warmth. And slowly but surely, I started feeling the quiet ticking of silent yet tremendous growth in my spirit and my confidence. Now I actually like myself. I no longer look over my shoulder in fear. I no longer look at myself with anxiety and insecurity wreaking havoc on my being.
I am looking forward to the future. I am holding someone’s hand. I look down at it in wonder. Whose hand is it, I ask ? Oh, it’s mine, I realize. And I smile.
Wonderful....Truly something that each one wants to be and be in that fashion....finding oneself is a great joy, and a sense of great relief too. You need not to search the exteriors when you have urself to ask and to answer , above all the maturity and power to feel that u r the ryt person, who knows the ryt answers to all ur questions....
ReplyDeleteLovely reading this, as always!!!!
Thanks. Harry, for understanding,and for encouraging me, always ! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Sujata
ReplyDeleteYes I understand yr thoughts and have been thru this as well.Congrats on coming out stronger and with self-realisation:)))))))
Rgds
Suketu
Very Nice! Once again Sujata you have shown a side of you that I like a lot--the pensive, introspective & the reflective------that is what makes us humans so unique! You know there's an eerily similar theory of child development in terms of emergence of social skills. Trimming all the fat from it ---what it says is that a child can never truly be social till he develops tolerance for being alone with himself---before that happens he is a mere extension of his mother, his milieu & his social environment----it is not true him ----he is an extension of imposed sociability. Only when he learns to develop the play activity with just himself (& here they refer to imaginative play, role play as children do, dressing up as their favourite characters and immersing themselves in that role completely) that he can then comprehend the multiple facets of truly being with others.
ReplyDeleteLooks like you are evolving into your real self with this. Before her metamorphosis even the prettiest butterfly has to go in a cocoon by herself. Hope your self actualization is fruitful and complete----& having found the comfort in holding your own hand you can now extend your hand to others needing comfort & reassurance----as a mother, as a wife & as a friend!
Best of luck
S
Suketu,
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot :) Its so easy to fall back into old habits, but needs tremendous strength to kick them. Glad you understood :)
Sanjay,
ReplyDeleteI always learn something new from even the most casual conversations with you - like this time too ! This is so interesting - I had no idea that imaaginative play has such an important role in developing the personality. My kids used to indulge into it quite a lot, and now I am quite relieved that I just let them be and did not force them to get into structured play or those ''hobby'' classes which force children to ''develop'' talents.
Thanks a million. Thanks a ton :)
You have done it again...awesome ! Your versatility and writing prowess are simply mesmerizing!!
ReplyDeleteYou unfailingly surprise me everytime with your new offering.
Finding oneself is an ardous journey and can only be embarked upon after true realization of external superficial world but can be the most fulfilling experience. Its heartening to know that, what you have is the most precious thing anyone can have.....no money,power, prestige and external appearance can match it. Its simply an immense source of love,happiness and contentment.
The way you have put your thoughts together is so powerful and intoxicating......"Whose hand is it, I ask ? Oh, it’s mine, I realize"
Kudos to you
Madhu,
ReplyDeleteI always feel so happy when you give me any kind of compliment - maybe because you are so beautiful that I can hardly believe that you are an ordinary mortal like the rest of us. You appear more like an angel or a fairy or a princess. I know you must be sick of hearing this all the time - but there its is, its true. And so you can imagine how much happiness your comments have given to me.
Thank you so much !!