And so..

I remember standing one day on one side of the bed… Naval on the other.. the bed in between us, and he with a paper in his hand, me with a look on my face that I had never ever had before.

That paper was the result of my test report. Some enzyme levels. Which told anyone who could read that I could be harbouring a dangerous disease inside this body of mine.

It had started innocently enough. One day I started feeling really uncomfortable in the sun, my eyes just could not take the harsh sunlight and then slowly started to get dull red. I knew something was wrong, but just thought that it was a random infection that would clear up in some time.

The ophthalmologists did not seem to think so. One look at my eyes through the ophthalmoscope and my sister Namrata, an ophthalmologist at AIIMS was rushing me to get a second opinion, worry clearly written big and large on her face.

“Anterior Non granulomatous Uveitis.” The verdict.

I had no idea what it meant but just looking at the doctors’ faces, I knew I was in trouble. Big trouble. The day went past in a blur. Second, third, fourth opinions were sought. The verdict was unchanged. “Start steroids ASAP. 8 times a day !!”

Steroids in my eyes EIGHT times a day ! Ignoramus that I was, even I sensed that this was terrible news. Contact lenses out. Hello spectacles ! A lot of tears happened. But more was to come. I was made to go through a battery of frightening sounding tests to find out if the underlying cause of uveitis.

If the uveitis was not bad enough, there was an UNDERLYING cause to deal with as well ! It could be TB, sarcoidosis or simply idiopathic. Turned out that it could be sarcoidosis. The test results were indicating as much.

Naval stood there, trying to break it to me as gently as possible. I stood there, in a state of shock and denial. My life seemed to be suddenly limited.

And the first thought that came to my mind was “I wish I had eaten chaat, jalebis and gol gappas with Alma and Sitab – more often”. Yes. That’s it.

I did not think about my academic achievements, or what needed to be done. I did not care about my kids’ further education or any pending assignments – all I thought about was the lost time. The moments we could have had – laughing, talking, enjoying.

And to think that we waste days, months, years worrying about whether the home is dusted or not, whether the maid is on time, whether our kids’ academic performance is excellent or not… and in the end, all one can do is look back and think about the little sunbursts of laughter ! I decided to let go… of everything that seems to be so necessary, and in the end is so redundant.

Let the home be dusty, let the meals be uncooked, let the kids get a B+ once in a while, you go out and catch those fireflies. Life is too short, too momentary. Don’t forget to live in the business of living.

Well, it turned out that the sarcoidosis was a false scare after all, but the lesson I learnt was the truth.