My first letter to Sitab

I knew that you were a determined little boy the moment I became aware of your existence in this world. Unlike most babies born to urban parents, you were not planned. In fact, you decided to make your presence known to me when I was just about recovering from a previous childbirth. Alma was just six months old when I realized that you were on your way.

I still remember the day I saw the positive pregnancy test result – White faced, I felt my legs give away, so that I could not stand anymore and had to sit down. I sat with my head in my hands.

Another baby ? Another baby ?!! Alma barely six months old, no money, no steady jobs for either of us, no help from anywhere, we both are still trying to cope with our Ph.D and MD respectively - and another baby ?!!

The next few days went past in a whirlwind of guilt, anger, shock and a feeling of tremendous burden. Naval and me tried to come to terms with the staggering situation that seemed to spiral out of control. Resigned to our fate sometimes, wondering how we could have been so careless sometimes, hopeful and hopeless in turns. Trying to bring up a small baby at home and coping up with our work and another pregnancy seemed like too much to handle.

But there was more to come.

Then came the day when I had to go for the triple test at twenty weeks to ensure that you are a normal baby. These tests were essential to rule out any congenital abnormality. It was a cloudy, windy day in July when a doctor told me that the results were ambiguous and more tests were required to rule out the seed of doubt. The verdict was clear – if further tests revealed something definite, the doctor added delicately, we could recommend terminating this pregnancy.

The day became dark and scary. As I sat in my room alone sobbing, the sky seemed to tear apart and the rains lashed out. No God, no ! I thought – if the baby has some problem, I will not be able to bear it. But what choice did I have ? By the time the rains abated, I had made up my mind. I shall not go for any more tests. I don’t want to know. This baby is precious to me. He/she is family already. He/she is here to stay. Normal or abnormal, the baby will be born.

Against the advice of the doctors, I went ahead with the pregnancy. I was not sure if I was doing right or wrong. I decided to have faith in God and leave the rest alone.

August melted into September…then October. One day I looked up at the sky – It was a bright, sunny day. Blue skies, with white, fluffy clouds floating by merrily. I felt a great burden lifting from my shoulders. A season to be born… I smiled and somewhere you smiled too.

On a lovely November evening, you decided to be born. You were determined as usual, you were in a hurry. In just two short hours, making sure your mommy suffered the least pain, you were born.

When the doctors examined you, they said ‘He is an absolutely normal boy, and he looks a lot like you.’ That was music to my ears.

Today you are my pride. A brilliant, happy, affectionate child and a leader with your friends.

When I see that familiar determination in your eyes, I still remember that day when I looked up and saw that lovely October sky when I felt God waved at me from the skies.

Sometimes God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes God knows what is good for us even when we ourselves do not know. Sometimes God gives us a miracle when we are least expecting it.