The sleeper must awaken

“Without new experiences, something inside of us sleeps. The sleeper must awaken.” Frank Herbert.

I had realized some time ago that not something, but most of whatever makes my being in a slumber since a long time. I just did not know what to do about it. Even travelling did not do anything – because life only got easier when I travelled. More luxury, more beauty. It was all adding up nicely – but the slumber was getting tiresome.

 And so, when I started planning for this trip to Thailand, I decided to deviate from my usual safe, cozy and pretty path and planned a series of insane activities. No rest, just plod on, plod on. Sleep in the night, get ready for a new adventure every morning. I had no idea how it would work out, but I was determined to rudely awaken the one sleeping inside me.

Most people I know told me that Thailand would be uber hot and humid this time of the year. And it was. To add to the discomfiting weather was the punishing itinerary I had conceptualized – long walks under the blazing sun, paragliding, deep sea diving, jungle walking. Now there was no escape – I had decided to push myself beyond endurance, and also the kids, who needed to get out of their comfort zone. I was determined.

We travelled all night and arrived in Pattaya, tired, sleepy and groggy. We rested exactly one hour before we took showers and walked outside on a sunny May morning, breathing in the salty sea air. As we walked into Ripley’s believe it or not, I had thought it would be fun but comfortable, since it was an air conditioned mall. But I had not walked into the ‘Haunted Adventure’ yet. I had guessed that it would full of thrills – I had no idea that my fear of claustrophobia threatened to smother me as we walked into pitch dark, narrow paths leading us into hell with spider webs brushing our cheeks and skeletons screaming in the dark. We screamed as much as we laughed, sometimes with real fear and sometimes just for fun. The infinity maze boggled my senses, as I walked into one illusionary room after the other. At the end, we were exhausted enough to go to sleep on the floor, right there.

I woke up the next morning and rushed to look out of the window. To my happiness, the sky was deep blue and the sun was shining. It was going to be a beautiful day as we made our way to Coral island in a speed boat. I had no idea how free one feels when one is speeding on the sea, with nothing except azure blue skies and shimmering seas to surround us.

When we reached the paragliding platform, I hesitated  Ever since I remember, I have had a crippling fear of heights. I do not even take the tamest of rides in an amusement park. But today was different. I had promised myself. I owed myself that flight. I was standing in the queue of paragliders, daydreaming, when suddenly it was my turn. I was made to wear a life jacket, the harness was attached to me and two men were holding my arms and shouting ‘Go ! Go !’ I had not a moment to think. We ran on a wooden plank, on and on,  till I could see the end of the plank where it met the blue sea. I was wondering if we will jump in the sea. Just when the plank ended, the men let my arms go, and whoosh ! I was flying ! Alone ! My mind went blank out of sheer fear and panic.  My breaths were short and labored. I clutched my parachute with a death grip. I was dangling in the sky, being propelled by a speed boat with the vast sea beneath me. I told myself to relax and breathe deeply. I listened. The only sound I could hear was the wind in my ears. Suddenly I felt exhilaration ! Yes, I am flying ! I am flying now !  The world stretched beneath me, detached. The universe enveloped me in a hug. I felt close to God. So this was how one feels before birth, or maybe after death ? Or during these events. I closed my eyes, overwhelmed. Some moments passed by, lazily. Then I realized that there was a change in the altitude and I was being pulled back to earth. I realized that I was being plunged into the sea, just for a moment. I took a splashing dip in the salty sea and came out spluttering. Before I could recover, I was ascending in the sky again. It was as if the sea and the sky were conspiring with each other to shake my soul awake. I circled the sky once again, this time enjoying my flight a bit more than before. And suddenly, I was descending rapidly. I landed neatly, and felt very proud of my smooth landing. Naval, Alma and Sitab were standing smiling at me. We laughed together. Before leaving the platform, I turned back and looked at the same sky I was flying in, just a while back, and waved goodbye to the piece of sky that had touched my face so tenderly.

Next we were in the queue for the undersea walking. I was feeling happy and excited now that I had successfully done the paragliding. We were given some instructions by our guide and we were ready to go. Each of us had to wear an oxygen helmet and descend in the sea with a diver, then meet up on the sea floor, hold hands and walk together. The first one to go was Naval. He was gone in a shot. Next was my turn. There was a metal ladder on the boat where we had to step four steps down, wear an oxygen helmet, hold our diver’s hand and dive. I stepped down only two steps in the sea when panic struck me big time. I was dangling mid sea, holding the line and the impatient instructor was shouting ‘Go down four steps ! Now !’ My mind blanked again. Instead of stepping down, I took two steps up and declared ‘I cant do this !’  Alma and Mou, my two fire sign friends shouted at me ‘Go ! Go ! You have to go in now !’. I was still unsure, and the instructor forced me down, put the oxygen helmet on my head, and there I was – in the SEA !! I could hear nothing, just the loud sound of oxygen bubbles, the sea threatening to crush me. The only hope was my diver in black who was pulling me in the aquamarine depths with confidence. I was really, really, really scared, trying to maintain my dignity and composure, using every ounce of will power I possessed to keep myself from rushing out of there just now. Then the diver was letting go of my hand. Before I could panic big time, I realized he was making me hold Naval’s hand, who had already been on the sea floor for a while. I looked at Naval’s face in the white helmet. He was holding my hand, smiling at me, nodding in that reassured way of his. I need no other proof of the suspicion I have always had about Naval being my guardian angel. 

I waited for Alma and Sitab, and there they came, holding hands, and joining our circle. Each of us were given a piece of bread, which we waved and soon we were surrounded by thousands of colorful fish tugging at the food in our hands.  It was an unreal feeling, not able to talk, watching the faces of our loved one, bobbing beside us in the depths of the sea.  Yes, I realized. Maybe when I will die, I will feel this way. When something as powerful as the sea would take me away, from everything that is familiar and safe. And I will see the faces of my loved ones, maybe I will not be able to talk to them, but I  will know that they are here, that they are smiling and that they love me.

And then Naval was leaving my hand and moving away – I realized that one by one, we are being taken up, out of the sea. Then my diver took my hand and I made me walk and float along with him. I saw the metal ladder where I had panicked just twenty minutes ago. I stepped on it, confidently this time, Alma and Sitab right behind me. As we stepped into the boat, someone ran to us with water. We felt like heroes. The others waiting for their turn started firing questions  at us. We were full of bravado and good advice. We were shivering and laughing happily. We were hugging each other and high fiving.

We had done it ! Fear of both heights and depths conquered ! After that moment, the rest of the trip seemed pleasant and happy, full of tame experiences. But nothing could match that day.

Did my soul go through an irrevocable change after that ? Yes, it did. I worry less, I fear lesser. I don’t think about the little niggling details in any event or in any process anymore. I have started feeling that there is life which will go soon enough, and there is death which will come soon enough. That there are powerful forces at bay for the time being, but will one day come to take us. And till then, we have to celebrate life, without worrying. The sun is shining, the skies are blue, each day is a beautiful day. Leave your fears behind and enjoy !